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This could be the funniest story you’ve ever heard… Then again it may not be.

Anyways, about the following, I swear this is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me beer.

Well it was a monumental week, I had it off from work and thursday night at footy training had turned up. Now usually thursday night involved waiting around with a few beers for company before the sides were read out. I didn’t really need to turn up because I was 20000:1 on to lineup at full back.

Well it was no surprise that after a pizza, that I was named at Full Back. Ad fuckin’ nauseum. Well a few of the new boys were keen to go out for a few beers and seeing I was not working that week, who better than to show them the CY’s way?

So we went to the Blarneystone at Yarraville to continue on and I met a chick who ended up in my phone as, “Horny Slut.” I’m sure she was but thats another story altogether. Present on the night were, Jed, OJ, Plozza and Shane. Shane’s missus worked behind the bar so we’re gettin a good deal and by 11pm, we were comprehensively shitfaced.

It was decided that we were gonna go out and get shitfaced at Goo. Now I don’t know why we were going to Goo, I don’t know who okayed the whole thing but lets just say that a few of us minus Jed and Shane went to Goo.

Well we’re getting wasted and a few young fellas decided to have a bit of a bash mosh. Well hello nurse, Singo is here to play and fuckin show you all how to do it. There was even a decent looking chick who got into it but being the gentleman I am, I protected her from the punishment I was dealing out to the other cunts, much to the delight of my teammates.

Well with this goin on and promptly being stopped when i slammed a bloke into the deck, this chick rocked up and started chattin to me. This my friends, is where the night really begins.

She tells me she has an apartment. I tell her I have a house. She wanted mull. I had mull. She had a slab. I was there. Fuck was I there.

So anyway she was with a couple of fat blokes and I managed to get her to lose them after I convinced her they were poofs and trying to pick up my mates.

So we get a cab back to her place after lobbing by the house of horrors to get mull and it turns out this bitch is fully fit in the money department. She has a top notch apartment on St Kilda Road overlooking the Albert Ground and she is on the 3rd floor. Nice….

She wasn’t too bad to look at and even if she wasn’t, I love fuckin rich bitches. So we get up to this moles joint and I’m scoping out the joint and its fucking filled up with all the best shit money can buy. So I can tell this bitch is a total slut but she is playing hard to get. Well fuck this I made a brilliant move after 4 cones and its working and she’s like, “Do what ya gotta do.”

Schlonk! Singopalooza is back in action and slammin this bitch doggy style in full view of the Albert Ground curators mowing the lawn across the road. I even waved. Well anyways I nail this chick flat stick for ages on my beer fat and finally blow on her guts and here’s where the shit hit the fan. This chick was flat stick screaming some of the most dirty shit you ever heard. Well I say to her, “The dirty talk will do it to me everytime.”

Well if looks could kill, I would be dead as the pope. Well anyways she’s screaming, “GET THE FUCK OUT.” I’m like yeah no worries and as I was putting my pants on, I slipped a bit and ended up out the door stuck on the balcony. Well the front door was locked from the inside anyway and I worked out i couldn’t open it without a laptop. It was one of those card lock fuckers.

As I slipped, this bitch gave me a helping hand out the back door on to the balcony and locked me out. FANFUCKINGTASTIC! Lucky I had my phone, my ciggies, a lighter and my pants coz fuck it was cold. Well by this time, it was around 10am and the mole had informed me she had called some bikies to come and fix me up. That was met with her best pot plant getting tossed on the nature strip below. Meanwhile I was ringing my mates and telling them what happened and was building a nice barricade just in case there was bikies coming.

Eventually an hour had passed by and I was getting jack of being cold. So I decided it was time to call the cops to come get me out of there. At first they didn’t believe me and I had to ring back. Well eventually they turned up and the chick copper was a hot piece of arse. Fuckin grouse. I bet she had a great supply of drugs if she ever wanted it too.

Well the bloke copper gets in the house and hears her story out and then comes to speak to me. I’m standing there having a ciggie and he tells me that she reckons she found me robbing the joint. I told him, “Yes and I bet she lets every robber cum on her stomach!” Besides the joint was done up better than fort knox. There was no way I was getting up there without an invite.

Anyway this copper tells me, “You know its not looking good for you mate.” I’m like, “Yeah I know mate but fuck….” Meanwhile this dumbarse psycho bitch mole slut has helped me out to no end…..

While the copper was talking to me, this silly slut had locked the copper out the back door with me on the balcony. The copper is sitting there yelling at her to open the door and all she could manage was a dumb stare on her face. I was literally laughing and mouthing, “You dumb bitch” at the same time.

The copper got onto the walkie-talkie to get his (fuckin spankin) partner up to get us out and just happened to ask me, “What do you reckon I should do?” Well what could i fucking say but no other than, “Fuckin’ shoot her!”

At least twice I thought it should have been but anyway we eventually got out, not without a monumental spray at the fucking scrubber with my huge vocabulary and then getting questioned by the female copper (which I thoroughly enjoyed). She says to me, “You wont go home with a girl you don’t know again will you?” and I’m like, “Not until tonight at least.”

And there my friends is why I don’t like balconies and why I will never buy an apartment at dirty fuckin Docklands! Or St Kilda Road for that matter.